badspoon

boy: Hey, I really like your tattoos. They're very lovely. What does that one there mean?

me: Um, that's a secret.

boy: Oh, ok. It looks familiar, though.

me: Yeh you've probably seen it around, I think it's on the Korean flag.

boy: That's interesting, I'll look it up. But if it's a secret I probably shouldn't. :-D


I sure do like cute 19 year-old boys that smile at me and ask me things. It was funny 'cause I thought he was much older - 25 at least. Then I registered him and it's like, birthdate 1990. That has to be wrong.

I tend to go through things at least 10 years premature. I think I might be having an early midlife crisis because at my age, any confidence booster I can get, I'll take. I was just telling BK that my self-esteem has been suffering since my braces and weight-loss. I really don't feel attractive at all. I feel bony and frail and childish.

I can only see 2/3 of it and yet.
Shoot. How much do I love this bed?



(I don't like the wallpaper, though)

I was watching Brideshead Revisited, that movie had good wallpaper.

I want this wall decal so bad.
But it's sold in France and costs 59 euros.

I found some really great ones though at DeSerres, and it's affordable but not as nice as this.

Guy jumps off pier to save woman's dog.



I guess he didn't  foresee jumping off a bridge into freezing waters to save a dog.
This is why I don't own white undies, though.

I remember now why I cut my hair. When it's long you shed all over the place. It gets in the drain and all over the floor and I have to keep vacuuming it up.

I need another haircut.

Over dinner we were talking about men and women, and this strange pattern we see of women consistently becoming a casualty of the man's success. Not just the people around us, but in history too - the Buddha, Moses, just to name two. Even in our relationship, I'm sorry to say.

Before, I used to worry that he'd just be a step for me. I really felt that all he was gonna be is an experience I needed to have in order to get to the next part of my life. I never expected being able to keep what we have. But I was wrong, he's not my step, I'm his. I'm the thing that helps him get to the next level, the next part, and then gets left behind.

I've felt like this for a while, it's not the first time he's hearing about it. The difference is earlier I felt resentment, and helplessness. I've been speaking to someone the other day about their situation and direction in life, romantic crises, etc. I felt sad they were going through these things. I said I've never been confused in that way. I've learned to only be in pursuit of things easily attainable. I don't chase after things, 'm not that complicated. Talking to this person made me see my situation differently. Because I realized I'm not as lost as I thought, that I have my bearings, that I've yet to experience any real pain in my life, I still have the man I love and he still goes on loving me, so. Life's all right.

And talking about being his step, in that restaurant that night, I felt no resentment. I just enjoyed him, enjoyed myself, enjoyed our dinner. 'Cause I realized that as much as I may dislike being a step, I'd rather be someone who helps him move on and up, helps him get somewhere. As opposed to someone who keeps him in one place and helps him get nowhere in life.

Your dirty workpants
I turn them inside out
Search deep in their pockets for
What’s left of your day

Chalky screws and nails
In the pockets of
your dirty workpants

I wash them.

 

Now that I can see again, I've been reading The Velveteen Rabbit. If you haven't read it, it's about a bunny toy who wants to be Real. And the Skin Horse explains to him:

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.....

It doesn't happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

I've been thinking about truth/honesty/reality the last few days so I was very happy I read this book. Especially because of the (true) message that you can't love something you have to be careful of - like fragile and breakable toys you have to keep on the shelf. You can't love someone/something that's perfect, because the simple act of loving it wears it out. How do you love something out of reach? That you can only keep on display and never dare experience anything with for fear of tarnishing it?

And then there's this movie "The Invention of Lying." So the beautiful woman goes on a blind date with a short, chubby writer and right away (because no one lies in this world) she points out that he's not attractive, doesn't make a lot of money and has no potential. But by the end of the movie she sees past her old perceptions of him and fall in love with the chubby writer anyway. At first I thought the people in this world all tell the truth. Since I thought a truth is the opposite of a lie. But really, truth is something you only percieve. Was he really unattractive? Maybe in her opinion. Did he really have no potential? Maybe she just didn't believe in him. Either way she was being honest, not telling the truth. I realized then, the opposite of a lie is something honest. And the opposite of truth is illusion. When you say something honest, it isn't necessarily true.

So during volunteer day I installed insulation and some of the fibreglass got in my eyes. I woke up the next day feeling like a gazillion little pieces of glass are stabbing my eyeballs. I could see but it was difficult to keep my eyes open so in effect, I was blind for a few days. BK took me to the doctor and I applied some antibiotics. I can see now but for a while it was really really painful. That's the last time I ever touch insulation, I'm traumatized for life.

No good deed goes unpunished, I guess.

We did a one-day stint at one of their build sites, just to get a feel for the organization and the see if it's something we could commit to a few weeks straight. My only complaint, and this has nothing to do with the organization, is that I always had to keep asking for directions. This made all my assignments take really long to complete and I felt I should have got more done than I did. Apart from that, it was a positive experience. I'm really hoping we could swing maybe a 2-week stay in New Orleans then travel around the area for a week? I don't know. We shall see.



They asked him to come back and be team leader. Oh, what a surprise. He kept making fun of me 'cause my tool belt was apparently "backwards." There no backwards or forwards, BK - just whatever I feel like. It was really hard not working with him today. Most of my assignments were individual so I was 99% on my own. I felt lost not having him around to consult or to get his okay. And this isn't out of "clingyness," he really just gives the best direction, he's patient, he explains things well and he's a good teacher (which I am not).



Getting down to the site was a nightmare. It was still dawn when we left the house. On the motorcycle. To take the highway. In the cold. And in the rain. It was basically the worst driving conditions we could have, thankfully it didn't snow.




And a couple of days ago he got his friend to help him install my new ceiling fan, yay! I took a picture 'cause I figured I'm never gonna see two grown men standing on my dining chairs, installing a fan on my ceiling. Gotta capture the moment.

Originally I wanted a chandelier, I picked one out and everything. But he said ceiling fans are probably best, for air circulation or whatever. I said fine, I guess I can live without a chandelier.



We still have to buy two other bulbs 'cause we only had one lying around. But already the room is much brighter.

Ben took Little Ben and her friend to climb the CN tower. It's their brother-sister annual thing that they do. The first time they participated, I think Bren was 9 or 10 years old, she did well. 29 mnts. to get to the top. That's about average. I saw some guy with like 16 mnts. on his shirt, that was nuts.



BK making wardrobe adjustments.



Because my sisters and I are all about the same size, I don't notice how small we are compared to regular people. I always think Bren's big (tall) for her age but when I see her with her friends, I notice she's pretty tiny.



They're getting balloon animals.

Bren's time improved, she did it in 27 mnts., her friend did 25 mnts. and BK got to the top in 22 mnts. They keep bugging me to climb with them and every time I say "oh next year" but I never go.



It's cause I have to hold all their bags and coats. I'm their sherpa.


We've been talking seriously the last few days about his moving to a university outside the city. They offered him to start in the 3rd year of the civil engineering program. He said he'd accept only if he gets the okay from me, and it's full scholarship. Otherwise there's no point. I said of course he's got the okay from me. I'll miss him but what's 2 years when we have like, the next 60 years to be together? It's nothing at all. There's always buses and weekends and Skype. We'll find a way.

I was actually talking to someone whose girlfriend broke up with him because she got "too busy" with work/school. I thought it was a silly reason and she probably was just using that as an excuse. I think it's best for him that she did break it off. If someone didnt value me enough, love me enough to make room in their life for me, then good riddance. I deserve someone who'll go to all ends to be with me.

And that's exactly what I told BK. Relationships shouldn't be obstacles. It's not my job to stand in his way. It' s not my job to keep him from fulfilling his potential. There's things I want to accomplish, too though I have a different kind of education to pursue. And I'd want him to support me the way I support his pursuit.

BK and I haven't been on a real vacation together in a while. But I told him there's only so much sight-seeing and shopping I can do, eventually I'm gonna want a useful holiday.

I know my next vacation will definitely involve volunteering, we're thinking of working for Habitat for Humanity this summer. Maybe in New Orleans, or in the middle east if I improve my Arabic. Building houses is what he does, so he's absolutely up for it. And he'll teach me as much as he can before we volunteer. Even though I don't have the kind of skills he does, I feel like I have my own kind of skills to contribute.

BK carves the turkey! I have to say, he's very good at lots of things but carving birds is not one of them. That's what happens when you're a vegetarian for most of your life.



The kids watching the Wolverine movie. This used to be my room! It was in the basement but it actually opened up to the backyard so I wasn't actually underground or anything. There was lots of sunlight and privacy. When I moved out it became daddy's hangout room.



Yuck, is that what my face looks like? I'm all bony. I have no cheeks left.



My mom got me this very pretty, very dainty pearl necklace. It's funny, I never wore (or bought) jewellery for years and years. Now suddenly I like it.



My mom and my sisters. My mom's birthday is coming up this weekend, too. We might do a girls' day out and have manicures, or do hot yoga together, whichever my sisters prefer.








Family photo! Also, my aunt in England is thinking about coming over with the twins in March, for spring break. I said if they do, I'll rent a cottage in Collingwood just for all the cousins (no grown-ups), and we can go snowboarding. But I think I'll do it anyway, even if Dan and Ollie don't come.

---

So a few days ago I ran into somebody I hadn't spoken to in 5 years.

her: Tell me something, if it wasn't for __ you think we would have stayed friends?

me: No, we didn't stay friends because you don't know how to return emails. Or phone calls.

her: Well, I have a new cell phone now. :-D

me: ...

her: I think I was too busy collecting friends. I didn't know how to have them.

me: ....

her: I think not enough people admit when they're wrong. Since you're standing right in front of me,  this is probably a good time to say I'm sorry for the way I treated you.

I'm always talking crap about how important it is to be honest with people, but when other people are being honest with me I can't fucking stand it. I didn't know what to say, I was shocked - it's not like I had a speech prepared for when I eventually run into her or whatever. Totally caught me off guard.

I'm wishing in the end that she just kept it to herself. What's an apology, anyway?  It just pisses me off 'cause I already left her behind many years ago, if she had something to say she should have said it to me then because now, at this point, it's of no use to me.  People are always doing useless things far too late in their lives. Why don't you do them when they matter? 

I have 2 costumes for halloween 'cause on one night I'm going with my sisters to a haunted house, and the night after BK and I will go clubbing as per usual.



We went to Kensington and I accidentally found this fantastic costume piece for $5!! Ben said I should be the Rose and he'll be the Little Prince. It's great 'cause it'll be outdoors and this is very warm. I'll wear black clothes and I'm gonna make a little green hat. I'm so happy I found it, it was tucked away in a little corner I almost didn't notice.



The next costume is like a french maid kind of outfit. I just have to find a little headband and a feather duster. It's just an excuse to wear the bustier in public, I've had it for years but never had an occassion to wear it out. Mostly I sit around the house in it and paint my fingernails and eat cookies.



I like these tights so much.



The market!



I really like this hat, it came with a matching dress - I didn't buy either 'cause I found the rose costume.











Except this.

ben: Wow. Look at this, sweetheart.

booth guy: It's $30, it's a beautiful chair.

me: Yeah, I like the carvings.

ben: We're on the motorcycle today, though. We can't bring it home.

booth guy:  I'll give it to you for $25.

me: We don't have a baby.

booth guy: You can put a plant on it.

I think it's really nice, so much character. Ben says it's handmade so I think some daddy made it for his baby. It was killer getting it home on the motorcycle though. I put it on my lap between us and it barely fit.

We found some discs with old pictures on it. I've forgotten about these. I'm actually not very good with organizing photos, I don't know why. It's the one thing I neglect.



This is Ben and Brenna at the CNE. Bren was like 7 or 8 years old. She's part of this filipino heritage band, she twirls the baton. What do you call them? Twirlers? Oh no, majorettes! She plays the saxophone now so she's making a switch from majorette to being part of the actual band. She just finished a paradethis day at the EX so BK took her on some rides.



She was terrified of this one, she kept clinging onto him. Whenever I see pictures of Ben's long hair I remember how in love I was with him. He was so carefree and wild and hippy-ish, so different and so exciting from everyone else I knew. He'd said before that whenever he started dating a woman they'd ask him to cut his hair, it's like they wanted him to fit into their box. So he broke up with them. But when we met I wanted to explore everything, go everywhere, out of the box and into something new and interesting and fun. I wanted him to change my life, not fit into it. What's the fun in that?

Of course I still am in love with him, it's just all the feelings start rushing back and I feel luckier than ever that I somehow ended up with someone like him. He's really the best man I could ever ask for and I'm happy I go to bed with him every night.



Oh my gosh, look how little she is! Now she's my height!




She loved Ben right away, those two are just the closest brother-and-sister in-law you'll ever meet.



Me and my dog Ransom in our first apartment. Which was quite a hole in the wall. There's Ben playing on the computer, in the closet.



I have to laugh at this picture 'cause my breasts are so big, my sister's boyfriend actually asked her if I had a boob job. But I don't look like that anymore, I lost so much weight I practically have no breasts.



Drugstore in dominican republic.



In all these pictures it looks like I have the same sunglasses but they're actually duplicates. I buy them for $5 at Kensington and whenever I lose one (which is often) I just buy it again. I'm on my 4th or 5th pair right now.



These ones are at the bottom of the ocean. That's the dream catcher necklace Ben got me for my birthday. I have it still, I should wear it more often.



Yay nudity!

I already love zombie movies but Zombieland wins awesomest zombie movie award for playing Band of Horses in the background.

*and no onnnnne is ever gonna love you more than I do*

BK was away for 3 days at the Hilton (20 mnts from my house! it's kind of funny) for a conference his school sent him to. One of the evening events was a spoken word performance and he came home all excited to tell me about it, he'd never heard it before. I was amused because I've been listening to spoken word (I read a lot of poetry, you prob. noticed) for a long time and I never thought to share it with him. I just didn't think he'd be interested, I have poetry books all over the place and I read to him sometimes but he never picked up a book on his own, so. I assumed it wasn't his thing and I let it be. It's a nice surprise though to discover he enjoys it.

This is the group that organized the performance, Brave New Voices. This one he thought I'd like the best. He's right, as usual.



And I showed him one of Hanalei's performances that I really enjoyed. She's a poet/artist/awesome lady I've been cyber-stalking since back in the AsianAvenue days. Member that?

This is the best song in the whole entire world. I've been listening to it on repeat everyday on the train for the last few months already. I can't get sick of it.

See, I'm not very articulate. I think that's why I blog, to get it all in order 'cause I'm not very good at like, conversations with people. Like this once when I was trying to explain myself to BK - I didn't think he understood so I got frustrated, gave up and walked away. I just didn't want to continue the conversation, and situations like this become a point of contention. I'm angry with him for never understanding me, and he's angry with me for always thinking he never understands. And he said "there's something about you - I just don't know how to respond to you so that you feel good about sharing things with me."

He's right, I guess. There's a lot I keep to myself just because I know no one will understand. Why bother? But like, where does that come from? How do I know they won't understand? How can I know that? Is there an expression he can wear on his face to exhibit his depth of understanding of my feelings? I rely too much on visible proof, I guess. I need to always be able to discern things by sight. It's ridiculous.

Anyway, I like this song. Please don't make me try to explain why.



I never noticed how pointy our chins are.











Oh this is my project. I used to have blue and gold wallpaper, I took it down and now I don't know what to do with 5 rolls of the thing. I decided to cut out the leaves and make a family tree. It's gonna be quite nice, I think. The pieces of paper are roughly where the picture frames will go, I just use it as a guide.

Shoot, I miss Indian food.
I used to love Indian buffet but it's not worth it for me anymore 'cause I don't eat anything.

:-(

I read this Robert Sawyer book a gazillion years ago. I guess I'll watch the show out of curiosity. I don't think they should have paired John Cho with Gabrielle Union though. They do not go together, at all.